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Staring out at the darkness through the window I recalled romping with him just the same; his laugh, his sensuous fondle, his biceps and his physical warmth; he had enraptured me.But I also recalled how that carefree sensuality had been crippled by my mother’s malice.One evening as they’d romped around, mother had entered the room and had spoken with such sudden icy spite... ‘Stop it! Get off him Valerie! You should be past this sort of thing now my girl!’In that instance I knew what was implied; our activity was not decent.Something precious had been replaced by a guilt complex. It had also induced a deep sense of shame into my sexuality.Much later in married life, I discovered that only a guilt-ridden fantasy of Dan allowed me to climax fully.For me sex was a cocktail which included a shot of Dan and a shot of Shame.But since my husbands death, all that had been forgotten: until Dan had came to stay with us.While I stare into the darkness of the window I become aware of the. When we’re done here, I’ll introduce you to Kara. She knows what she’s talking about. We’ll look after you.’ Just from the way she spoke to these women, who would be her girls for the next six or seven months, I sensed a big heart behind Mary’s big breasts. ‘And I see you’ve brought someone along who had something to do with you being here.’ Mary looked at me, and why did I sense that her jury was out when it came to me? Perhaps she waited a while to get a measure of all the men who came along to her clinics. At least I was there. ‘No, Alex is good, he does just fine.’ Amelia quickly jumped to my defence. ‘He does his best, anyway.’ Ah me, the way Amelia looks at me when she teases me, when she says she loves me in her round-about way. ‘We’ll see,’ said Mary. And she winked at me, a laugh in her eyes, and I knew I’d taken my first step with her. The first of many, I thought, but who better to walk steps for. My Amelia. Even as I thought that thought, I looked across at Amelia. Fuck.
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